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BREAKING: Hanlon Cancels Bonfire

President Phil Hanlon and Provost Carolyn Dever have announced that the Homecoming bonfire will not take place tonight. In an e-mail to the campus they wrote:

We are concerned that the fire does little to advance the research mission of the university, and we have learned that past bonfires have frightened a number of students who have required counseling at Dick’s House.

So ends the tradition of the Homecoming Night bonfire, just as Hanlon and Dever have cancelled Convocation. In place of the mighty fire, their memo states that the Green will be transformed into a large safe space for students: the College will install a bouncy castle, a hay ride and various non-threatening amusement rides. In their statement, the President and the Provost also noted that:

Burning wood on the Green is out of line with the latest thinking of scholars at the College’s new Irving Oil Energy Institute. Next year we expect to have a petroleum-based fire on the Green, one that evokes a traditional gas flare stack.

Dartblog has learned that the administration’s real thinking here is that a disproportionate number of certain groups of students are afraid of fire, and that Hanlon and Dever are concerned about the College being confronted with a disparate impact suit.

Addendum: Just kidding.

Addendum: An alumnus writes in:

You know, the sad fact of this post is that you have to say “just kidding” at the end of it. I am afraid it can easily be imagined that this administration would do this.

Addendum: As does a witty student:

But aren’t bouncy castles a reminder of our colonialist and feudal past dominated by old white men? And don’t hay rides promote an agrarian ethos of conservative rural American anathema to modern ideals of tolerance? And isn’t the term “amusement rides” offensive to those in places where the very idea of amusement is beyond thought because of the struggle against Western imperialism?


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