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The Funhouse Mirror

The only points of light in mainstream Dartmouth journalism come from the D’s Mirror section. That’s where Kathleen Mayer did superb work in her I wrote this at 3 a.m. column, before she started to write memorable pieces for this space. The current Mirror has an amusing regular column called Moderately Good Advice with Gardner and Kate, written by Gardner Davis ‘13 and Kate Taylor ‘13. This week they answered a letter from a distinguished alum:

Dear Gardner and Kate,

I’ve been reading the column all fall and really like it. I’m coming back to campus after a long time away. What are some ways that I can get students to like me?

— Phil ‘77

Gardner: It is sometimes said that just being there is enough. In your case, that could not be more true. If you really want to over-achieve, try to establish a rapport with students and let us think that we matter to you. It may sound crazy, but maybe consider shaking students’ hands instead of giving them only an impersonal fist bump.

I will also suggest one thing that could immediately win over all of campus: full-size beds in each dorm. Imagine every student laying down in bed each night and thinking, “Wow, I’m so glad Phil came back.” I’m not sure if you remember your twin “XL” bed, but it is mediocre at best when sleeping alone and unbearable if you ever have a sleepover. Even better, I think 3200 new beds will be less expensive than a Health Care Delivery Center, whatever that is.

Hanlon Pong.jpgKate: Dartmouth students are surprisingly easy to please. First, follow the rule of every freshly recognized COSO organization and give them food. I am not going to venture across the green to your welcome reception for “light refreshments,” sir. Second, make yourself meme-able. In the age of generally less-than-positive views in regards to ex-President Kim, few remember the golden days when shirts with Kim’s face and the word “BO$$” were a must-have fashion item. Start an underground marketing campaign. Approach Stinson’s for a partnership, and watch your approval rating climb as your face becomes ubiquitous in the basement. Paddles, balls, cups — the options are limitless, and could probably beef up the endowment.

Gardner’s and Kate’s not so subtle digs directed at JYK are a good reflection of the student body’s view of our fly-by-night ex-President. Let’s hope that Phil ‘77 is held in higher esteem.

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