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Kim Announces Social Justice Pricing

President Kim announced today that in cooperation with local businesses throughout the Upper Valley his new Social Justice Pricing Program for Dartmouth students would begin operation by the end of the month. In a letter to the student body he wrote:

While wages for Dartmouth staff members are fair, I was shocked to learn that employees at most local business earn about half the salaries and benefits of College employees. Local employers tell me that they cannot stay in business if they raise the compensation of their workers, but I had a really interesting idea that could solve the problem.

In the same manner that we have ramped up Dartmouth’s tuition to the second highest in the Ivy League, and we have repeatedly increased the cost to students of room and board and other food items by double digit amounts in order to fund our staff’s salaries, I have decided that students should pay an additional 50% price premium to purchase goods and services at all local businesses.

This extra money can fund much higher salaries for employees in these establishments, just as we do at the College. We will call this special extra cost of goods The Dartmouth Social Justice Price, and I know that our students will be proud to pay it as part of their effort to make the world’s troubles their own.

John Chapin, owner of the popular Canoe Club restaurant on Main Street in Hanover, supports the new program. “President Kim asked me personally to get involved here, and as local businesspeople know, you don’t say no to Dartmouth. My employees will certainly be happy with the extra income. I find it fascinating that President Kim thinks that Dartmouth students will accept to pay such a large premium. But I guess that they won’t mind because they have already been paying this kind of supplement for everything else that they buy from the College.”

Dartblog has obtained an excerpt of the Canoe Club’s new menu. Prices in the lefthand column are for the general public, and prices incorporating The Dartmouth Social Justice Price are on the right under the College’s shield.

Thumbnail image for Canoe Club.jpgCanoe Club Menu.jpg

Note: According to President Kim, The Dartmouth Social Justice Price will not be charged to Dartmouth administrators or staff members.

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Addendum: Needless to say, which means that it needs saying, the above story is only satire: it is so weird that it could be true. The quotations from President Kim and Restauranteur John Chapin are entirely fabricated, as is the Canoe Club menu.

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