Dartblog

Just when you thought that the bureaucrats in the Dean of the College’s Office could not get any sillier:

From: “April Thompson”

Date: Thursday, 29 July 2010

To: Undergraduates in Residence

Subject: Summer Updates

Dear Summer Students:

…In addition to the change in swimming in the Connecticut River, we have also made a change to indoor recreation options. For safety reasons, all unsupervised sexual relations on campus between students are banned and will be subject to College discipline. A recent safety review identified a range of concerns that led us to conclude that sex between students cannot be safely undertaken. Sexually transmitted diseases are rampant in our community. Also, both long-term relationships and short-term hook-ups inflict unnecessary emotional pain on members of the student body.

In addition, the frequency of sexual contact varies widely among students, leading to jealousy and ill-will in our close-knit community. While we know that sexual relations have long been a favorite summer activity for some students, the College is simply not a safe place to get it on. We can understand that some of you may be disappointed, but we ask that you recognize the risk and avoid having sex at the College in order to keep each other safe.

As an alternative, the Dean of the College Office will allow sexual relations among students who undergo a rigorous review by members of my staff. Firstly, we will analyze students’ emotional and anatomical fitness for sexual relations. For those students passing these tests, any sexual activity must be undertaken at the Dean’s Office in the presence of a Dean or a trained student monitor.

Thank you for your understanding.

April Thompson
Associate Dean of the College for Boring Campus Life

(Disclaimer: The absurdity of the modern world has reached a point that makes it difficult to do satire. The above memo is fictitious; it was a parody. But you should laugh extra hard (I know I will) if, even for a moment, you imagined it was real.)