Dartblog

Readers may not be aware that Dartblog is read rather widely by, among other groups, employees of Dartmouth College. From vagabond librarians who quietly agree with this page’s sentiments to the staffs of the institution’s press and communications offices to the presidential compound to, yes, the admissions office, this page has for one reason or another attracted a lot of eyeballs in Hanover.

As we all know, it is back-to-school time. The sky is blue, the dogwoods are unfolding, and fresh sneakers and pencils fill the air with the scent of an unwashed Chinese junk. I am keenly aware of the booming industry of college admission wheel greasers, whose prospects brighten this time of year as high school seniors make their collegiate bids. I suspect that the Kaplans and Princeton Reviews of the world pull in many millions of dollars, and the private counselors who write admissions essays, effect the publishing of fake novels, and conjure various other tricks to secure acceptance earn just as much from their clients. I am certain that there is money for me to make here, particularly given this page’s influential readership. Therefore I present

THE LIMITED-TIME OFFER.

If you are an eager high school student who has totally sloughed off AP Physics and Calculus, and feel that you cannot brook another word from a Toni Morrison book, and if you are concerned about getting into a good school, and if you have never reconstructed a hovel in Croatia, then this offer is for you.

In the wake of recent political events at Dartmouth, I feel that I may be able to guarantee as high as a 95% chance of admission to Dartmouth College. Please understand the tremendous, fleeting value this represents. Besides achieving academic and personal distinction, there are only three ways to secure entry into a prestigious institution such as Dartmouth. Your mother could become a Trustee, but that is a multi-million dollar proposition. You could hire an admissions operative, but even this evidently costs in the tens of thousands and does not offer any sort of a guarantee. Or you can come to Dartblog.

HIGH-SCHOOL SENIORS: If you mail me a check for $500, I will write a post here explaining why you would be a terrible candidate for admission to Dartmouth College. This will immediately set a dozen admissions officers clamoring to stamp your application with green. I will provide a 95% entrance guarantee; I don’t get paid until you get in. Act now, won’t you?