Dartblog

Due to severe flooding throughout the subway system, there are extensive delays on all MTA transportation lines. There is no W train service in both directions between the Astoria-Ditmars Boulevard Station and Whitehall Street Station. There is no 1 train service in both directions between the 14th Street Station and the South Ferry Station. There is no 2 train service in both directions between the Penn Station-34th Street Station and the Brooklyn College-Flatbush Avenue Station. Taxi drivers have been instructed to run their air conditioning on high and to pantomime shivering to pedestrians on street corners. There is no 3 train service.

There is no 4, 5 or 6 train service in both directions between the 125th Street Station and the Brooklyn Bridge-City Hall Station. Your BlackBerry possesses no function that can save you from this horror. There is no L train service in both directions between the Canarsie-Rockaway Parkway Station and the 8th Avenue Station. Sidewalks are temporarily closed due to skyscraping shuttles of steam erupting randomly every dozen or so feet. Starbucks was flooded out this morning, and will prove no salve to your aching soul. The steam is contributing pleasantly to the 100% humidity and the ninety-five degrees, prompting the UN to reconvene the IPCC in an investigation of whether 110% humidity is possible. No buses are running.

Excuse us. Service advisory revision. Taxis are available, but only for blonds more than six feet tall with imminent frizz problems. NYPD is on the lookout for attempted sharing of cabs.

Due to street closures in Mid-town Manhattan, the following diversions will be used until further notice: To access the economic engine of the Earth from midtown, remove your clothing, purchase four bottles of Poland Spring, and sprint downtown as a slobbering, maniacal heap of flesh, dousing yourself with a bottle of water every fifteen blocks.

There is no 42nd Street Shuttle S train service in both directions between the Times Square-42nd Street Station and the Grand Central-42nd Street Station. You can walk, you bastard.

The street system has been deactivated due to melting asphalt. Please use the sidewalks.

Until further notice, every fire truck in the City has been activated on full siren. There is no explanation for this behavior at this time. You may kneel and despair.

The National Weather Service issued a heat advisory for 1 to 6 p.m. today in southeastern New York and northeastern New Jersey. The combination of temperatures rising into the lower to mid 90s, along with high humidity and extreme apathy on the part of all municipal employees, will result in heat-index values around 100 degrees for several hours in the afternoon, the full brunt of which will be suffered by all. MTA at this time believes that there shall be no shelter, no rapture, no break from the horror.

Sidewalks are temporarily out of service for routine repairs approved by City Hall seven months ago. AFSCME regulations require four hours to be spent on each slab of sidewalk, but all slabs will need to be deactivated at once. Please use the curbs.

We have deactivated the air conditioning in your building to save electricity for the subway water pumps. The subways are expected to be operational at ten in the evening for all who survived the day without air conditioning.

Due to a safety advisory from Mayor Bloomberg’s office, it is now illegal to walk on curbs. People falling from curbs are very likely to hit others and injure them, especially the children, if any of the children are present near the curb, which we are presuming is the case. Curbwalkers will be sent to the impound barge on the east side.

Manhattan is temporarily closed. We apologize for the inconvenience.