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Federal Judge Rules Money Discriminates

…by not being discriminatory.

The trouble is that, since all bills are the same size and shape, the blind cannot tell them apart. All of a sudden, a judge has discovered a brand new discrimination, and United States currency must now be reinvented! What I wonder is this: With the blind unable to pay for gas, purchase groceries, tip the babysitter, or buy their way into a fancy restaurant, how is it that they are still functioning members of society? They’re giving the Hebrew National hot dog man a hundred dollar bill for that extra side of ‘kraut. They are getting Tasered when they try to walk away from Enterprise Rent-a-Car after paying seven dollars for the Mercedes they had rented for a week. Right? Right?

Wrong, of course. Judge James Robertson holds the blind to be such flopping rubes, after all, that one is amazed they don’t simply keel over at age five, a few days after their mothers stop feeding them rocketship-style.

Or—wait for it—could it be that, like all sentient men and women, the blind possess minds which allow them to creatively overcome their physical shortcomings?

No, that can’t be it. Better make a law.

BY THE BYE: What blind folks do is either pay with a debit or credit card or—before cards were common—they fold their bills. They can access and dispense their money almost as quickly as any sighted person.


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